


I Shall But Love Thee Better After Death

by DracoWillHearAboutThis



Category: Merlin (TV)
Genre: Age gap of two years, Alternate Universe - Reincarnation, As in Merlin is 16 and Arthur is not yet quite 18, Childhood Friends, Consensual Underage Sex, Friends to Lovers, M/M, Poetry, Protective Arthur, Soulmates, The real kind for a change, This is the most self-indulgent fic I have written in a long time, Wedding, please bear with me
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-07
Updated: 2019-07-07
Packaged: 2020-06-24 04:04:17
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Underage
Chapters: 1
Words: 16,578
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19715863
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DracoWillHearAboutThis/pseuds/DracoWillHearAboutThis
Summary: When Merlin first met Arthur, he was three and Arthur was five. Little did he know that the rude boy throwing a tantrum in the hallway in front of their apartment door would turn out to be his destiny, in more than one way.





	I Shall But Love Thee Better After Death

**Author's Note:**

> Okay, first I have to say that this fic was written 80% in the bus between work appointments and finished yesterday in a bout of complete cheese, so part of me is really embarrassed to post this lmao. I've not had the greatest couple of weeks, real-life-wise, and this fic has sort of been an outlet, so I mean it when I say it's completely self-indulgent. There are cute babies, there's Arthur being protective, something I'm always weak for, there's Arthur being vulnerable and Merlin comforting him, something I'm also weak for, and in general, there's just a lot of feelings and undying, eternal love until you puke rainbows all over the media device you use to read this on. Don't say I didn't warn you. 
> 
> The title is taken from Elizabeth Barrett Browning's poem "How Do I Love Thee?", which Arthur also uses for his vows at the end. For Merlin's vows, I used E. E. Cummings' "i carry your heart with me".
> 
> Last but not least, please note that for the final (explicit) sex scene, the boys are still underage (Merlin only turned 16 and Arthur is 17, though only just, since they're nearly two years apart in age). Be warned in case this bothers you.

Merlin first met Arthur when he was three years old. Arthur was five and had just moved into the apartment across from theirs with his Mummy. Merlin's Mummy had picked him up from daycare, and when she'd unlocked the entrance door to the building, they had heard raised voices in the corridor.

"Arthur, I know this isn't easy for you -"

"I want to go  _ home!" _

"This will be our home from now on, sweetheart."

"It's too small! My room is a cupboard, Mum!"

"It's not, darling, it's a perfectly reasonable size."

"I want to go back  _ home.  _ Where is Father?"

Merlin heard the woman hesitate, and he looked up at his own Mummy, who had frozen in the doorway, apparently unwilling to intrude on the fight going on one floor above them. 

"Your father and I will not be living together anymore. I've already told you this, Arthur. I'm sorry, darling, but this is how it is."

A ringing silence followed her words. Merlin's Mummy squeezed his hand and started walking again, urging her son to follow. 

Arthur and his Mummy were standing between the boxes scattered on their doorstep as Merlin and his Mummy made their way up the worn steps of their old London apartment house. Merlin remembers thinking that Ygraine was an especially beautiful woman, despite her haggard appearance due to the circumstances moving day and the stressful separation from her husband provided for her. She was young and her clothes were finer than anything Merlin was used to, and her bright blond hair was pulled up in a messy bun, stray strands falling into her face. Arthur, on the other hand, was sitting on one of the boxes, his face sulky and red. His eyes were slightly blood-shot, as if he had recently cried. Apart from that, though, he was the spitting image of his mother: fine golden hair, clear blue eyes - a stunningly handsome child. 

"Hello," Merlin's Mummy greeted them, her voice friendly and without a trace of awkwardness, as though she had never overheard their argument in the first place. "You're our new neighbours?"

"I guess we are," Arthur's Mummy smiled, turning to face them. "I'm Ygraine de Bois, and this is my son Arthur."

"Hunith Emrys, and this little sunshine here is Merlin," Merlin's Mummy introduced them, smiling down at her son fondly as she did so, and immediately, Ygraine beamed at him.

"Hello Merlin," she said kindly. "It's nice to meet you! I hope you and Arthur can be good friends."

"I don't want to be friends with him!" Arthur snapped suddenly. "I don't want to even be  _ here!" _

Merlin blinked and stared at him, stung. He held onto his Mummy's hand a little tighter.

"Arthur," Ygraine sighed, a note of warning in her voice. "You're being rude."

"Who cares?" Arthur muttered. "He's just a baby with big ears."

Merlin bit his lip. Hard. His eyes burned with impending tears, but he refused to let them spill because he was also  _ angry. _

Who did this boy think he was, calling Merlin a baby?!

"Well, you are a bug head!" Merlin called, watching Arthur's eyes widen almost comically at his words. "And I wouldn't want to be friends with you, anyway!"

And with that, he let go of his mother's hand and angrily climbed back down the stairs, his sight blurring so badly from the tears he tried not to let slip that he nearly stumbled twice. He stubbornly ignored his Mummy calling after him, instead making his way outside to the tiny playground in front of their apartment complex, sitting miserably down on the swing and staring at his feet. 

When the front door opened, he expected it to be his Mummy. Surely she would scold him for shouting, even if the other boy had started it. But when the chains of the swing next to his squeaked in protest of the weight of a person's body, making Merlin look up in trepidation, they were not his Mummy's eyes, but clear blue ones, slightly red-rimmed to match his own.

"I'm sorry," Arthur said, though it sounded petulant rather than genuine. "It's not your fault our new flat is stupid."

"You're stupid," Merlin muttered, not feeling very forgiving.

Arthur bristled. "Excuse me?!" he demanded.

"You're a stupid bug head," Merlin clarified. 

"That's not even a word!" Arthur called. 

"Of course it is! You have a head like a bug! Bugs are stupid and I hate them! They are just like you!"

Arthur just stared at him for a moment, as if unsure of what to return to such logic. Merlin took this as admission and smirked at him. Arthur blinked and shook his head. 

"You're strange," he told him, though, for the first time, it didn't sound like an insult. Rather like a curious statement. 

Merlin pursed his lips, just looking at him. Arthur didn't back down, though, and then, after a moment, he smiled. 

"Maybe living here won't be so bad," he said, and then he kicked his feet off the ground, moving the swing backwards. 

Merlin watched him, a frown on his face. 

***

From this day on, Arthur seemed to decide on adopting Merlin. Though as _what_ , Merlin wasn't quite sure. Merlin's Mummy insisted that Arthur was treating him as a little brother and she kept saying it was 'precious'. Arthur's Mummy called Merlin Arthur's 'best friend' and asked him to take care of her son, which Merlin liked way better because it indicated that out of the two of them, he was the smart one.

Merlin, though, thought they were both wrong. Most of the time, it looked to him like Arthur just needed someone to order around, and Merlin happened to be that person. Mostly he wanted them to play silly games of make-believe in which Arthur called the odds, making himself the heroic knight and Merlin his incompetent squire, or other times choosing to be a King while Merlin got the role of his manservant. No matter how much of a fuss Merlin threw, he always gave in eventually, and worse, he even enjoyed himself. Arthur was surprisingly fun to be around, even if he was still a bug head.

Before Merlin knew it, Arthur had filtered into every sphere of his life: He joined his group at kindergarten and daycare, their Mummies quickly became friends and took turns in picking them up to walk them home. They played together on weekends (whenever Arthur's Daddy didn't come to take him home, something that happened increasingly often and never seemed to make Arthur very happy, despite the fact that Arthur had wanted to go home so desperately at the beginning). One time, when Merlin's Mummy had to work very late, Merlin even slept in Arthur's bed, Arthur pressed up against his side as Arthur's Mummy read them to sleep with a soft voice.

In spite of Arthur's constant presence, it took a specific incident at daycare for Merlin to realise that Arthur did indeed care as deeply about him as their Mummies kept telling him, and that incident had to do with Valiant being a terrible bully. 

Valiant was Arthur's age and Merlin had never liked him. He was mean and loud and he kept taking away the other children's things. He usually stayed well out of Valiant's reach, but that afternoon, their group had been out on the playground and Merlin had been running around, not paying attention. 

And then, suddenly, he painfully connected with the ground. He looked up, his eyes already stinging both from the pain and the shock of the fall, to look into the face of a much taller and much bigger Valiant. 

"Watch where you're going, Dumbo," the other boy snapped, rather maliciously. 

Merlin took a trembling breath, trying hard to find a response - his knees and palms were bleeding and it really  _ hurt _ \- but then, Valiant was suddenly tackled from the side by a slimmer, blond boy.

"Arthur! Valiant! Stop this immediately!" their teacher called, and then they were surrounded by adults trying to separate them. One of the teachers gently helped Merlin to his feet and asked if he was all right, but Merlin couldn't answer. He bit his lip, trying hard not to cry as he looked over to where the other teachers were still trying to break apart Arthur and Valiant. 

"He pushed Merlin!" Merlin could hear Arthur shout.

"That doesn't mean you can hit him, Arthur -"

"Merlin is small! He's bleeding!"

"Yes, Arthur, and we will make sure Valiant apologises to Merlin. But you cannot hit someone because he is mean to your friend."

"Merlin  _ is _ my friend! Of course, I will protect him!"

It was Arthur's words more than his bruises that made the tears spill over for Merlin. 

In the end, they had to call in the parents. Arthur refused to apologise, especially when he saw that Merlin was in tears, and he stubbornly stuck to Merlin's side and tried to distract him. He chose Disney band-aids for his wounds. He tried to tell him a made up story about a sorcerer and a knight. He ruffled his hair and did not move away until Merlin's Mummy burst through the door, taking her inconsolable three-year-old into her arms.

Arthur's Mummy arrived soon after, listening with a grave face to both her son's lamentations as Merlin sniffled into his Mummy's shoulder as well as to the teachers' depictions of the incident. In the end, she apologised for her son's behaviour, much to Arthur's indignation, and promised to have a long talk with him.

Valiant's parents arrived last and were furious when they saw the bruises on their son's face. They immediately turned against Arthur's Mummy, which had Merlin's Mummy set him down to back her up and remind them that  _ her  _ son had been the victim in the first place. Throughout the grownup's discussion, Arthur took Merlin's hand and menacingly glared at where Valiant stood a step behind his parents. Still trying to protect him, Merlin realised. It almost made him cry again.

In the aftermath of this little incident, Arthur wasn't allowed to play with Merlin for the rest of the week, but Arthur seemed to think it was worth it when Merlin started calling him his 'best friend' in turn.

***

From this point on, they were a package deal. Even when Arthur started going to school, he spent his afternoons playing with Merlin. Sometimes he would also teach him the things he was learning at school, like reading or writing, so that when Merlin started school, he was one of the best children in his class. He and Arthur did not visit the same elementary school, either - Arthur's father was paying the tuition for some fancy private school while Merlin went to the local public school. Before Merlin started school, he had asked his Mummy why he couldn't just go where Arthur went, and she had sat him down and explained to him that they just didn't have as much money as Arthur's family. 

"But if they have so much more money," Merlin had pouted, unwilling to accept such a stupid thing as wealth as an explanation for being separated from Arthur, "then why are he and his Mummy still living here and not in some big house?"

"They used to," Merlin's Mummy explained. "But then Ygraine left her husband and didn't have much money for a while. After the divorce, though, Arthur's father is paying for him, so they have money again."

"So are they going to leave?" Merlin asked, horrified. 

His Mummy's eyes softened at that. 

"No," she shook her head. "Arthur doesn't want to move, and Ygraine thinks it's best if he stays where he feels comfortable. So they are going to stay here. You don't have to worry."

"But I can't go to school with him," Merlin deadpanned, still sulking a little. 

"No," she sighed. "But don't worry. You'll make new friends there in no time."

And she wasn't wrong, really. Merlin met Will, and they were thick as thieves. Will was rough-mannered but kind, and he helped Merlin get by in subjects like P.E. or crafts (or, the subjects where Arthur couldn't assure that he was ahead of his class), while Merlin helped him scrape through in everything else. 

The only problem was Arthur and Will's mutual dislike for each other. Merlin was not sure what it was but from the moment he had first introduced them to each other, there had been a static undercurrent of loathing. Will insisted that Arthur was an arrogant posh brat who only looked down on them and who saw Merlin as someone to order around. Arthur, when prompted, burst out that he thought Will was rude and only clung to Merlin to copy his homework. After a while, Merlin gave up arguing with them and just accepted that they would never get along and that maybe, that was okay. Merlin rarely met Arthur's friends from school, either, so as long as things between them stayed the same, what did it matter if their lives at school were completely separate entities?

It didn't, Merlin decided. Arthur was and would always be his best friend, and that was that. 

***

Arthur began having bad dreams around the time he started secondary school. At first, he didn't tell Merlin about them, but Merlin noticed that something was wrong. Arthur was always tired and he didn't laugh as much as he used to. When Merlin asked, though, he would always shake his head and smile, telling him it was nothing. 

It irked Merlin. Sometimes, Arthur had this way of keeping secrets from Merlin, of not telling him things because he thought Merlin was too young. Arthur was still trying to protect him more often than not and Merlin was starting to  _ resent _ it. Arthur was his friend and they were equals from where he stood. It stung that Arthur still saw him as that crying three-year-old he'd had to fight for on the playground. 

"You know," Merlin snapped at him when the dark rings under Arthur's eyes were growing more pronounced and he'd shrugged off Merlin's enquiries one too many times, "I'm not stupid. I know something is wrong, even if you won't tell me!"

"I don't think you're stupid," Arthur frowned.

"Oh?" Merlin challenged. "Then what is it? Is it because I'm a little kid to you?"

"You're not-" Arthur started, but Merlin cut him off. 

"I  _ can  _ understand if you explain to me!" Merlin argued. "I'm not a baby! You don't need to coddle me!"

Arthur didn't say anything for a long moment, just staring at him, his expression a mix between apprehension and guilt. Then he sagged in his seat, defeated and so very tired.

"Say, Merlin," he muttered, his voice very soft. "Do you ever dream of kings and knights and sorcerers?"

"You mean like the games we used to play?" Merlin asked, intrigued. 

"No," Arthur shook his head. "Those were fun. My dreams aren't fun. Well…" he bit his lower lip, considering. "Sometimes they start out fun, but then they become…" He did not continue, but he looked haunted as he stared off into space. 

"What happens in them?" Merlin asked. 

"Sometimes I die," Arthur breathes. "There's a lot of war. Battles where I fight and get hurt. There are sorcerers and I fight against them. Sometimes people I don't know get hurt or disappear, but in the dream, I know them and I wake up and…" he broke off and his lips trembled slightly. Merlin reached out to entwined their fingers, relieved when Arthur allowed it.

"Is it always the same dreams?" Merlin asked. 

"Sometimes," Arthur shrugged. "Sometimes there are new ones." There was a short pause and Merlin could tell that he was hesitating, so he stayed silent, letting Arthur find the words in his own time. "You are in them," he said eventually, without looking at him.

"Me?" Merlin asked, gaping. 

"Yes," Arthur nodded. "But you're older. We're both older. Adults. I'm a king and you're my manservant."

"Why doesn't that surprise me?" Merlin muttered before he could help himself, but he didn't regret it when Arthur gave him a weak smile. 

"I…" Arthur was struggling to continue now, so Merlin squeezed his hand to encourage him. "In some dreams, you get hurt, and I think you'll die. Sometimes I don't know where you are and I'm looking for you and then I wake up and panic until I remember it's not real." He gulped and after a deep breath, he admitted: "And when I die, it's you holding me, asking me not to leave you."

Merlin stared at him, unsure what to say. 

"That dream is always the same," Arthur noted. "I'm not afraid in it, but when I wake up, I always…" Arthur blinked, and his eyes were glassy, and Merlin did not need him to finish the sentence. 

"Have you told your Mum?" Merlin asked.

"I didn't need to," Arthur said, bitter now. "You know how thin the walls in our house are. She heard me and wouldn't back down until I told her the truth."

"What did she say?" Merlin asked, frowning when his friend winced. 

"She wants me to 'talk' to someone," he said, holding both hands up and miming quotation marks with his fingers. "She thinks it has to do with the divorce."

"Do you think that's it?" Merlin frowned.

"I dunno," Arthur shrugged, but he looked dubious. "Sometimes Father is in the dreams… Mum never is, which is weird."

Merlin hummed, and then they just sat next to each other in comfortable silence. 

"You don't think I'm crazy, do you?" Arthur asked after a while, his voice small.

"No!" Merlin said immediately. "Of course not! Why would I?"

"I dunno," Arthur shrugged, but he seemed relieved. "I mean, Mum wants me to see a shrink."

"Your Mum doesn't think you're crazy, either," Merlin said sharply. "She's just worried about you. You've been looking like hell lately."

"Well, thank you," Arthur said, drily. 

"It's the truth," Merlin shrugged, unimpressed. "It's natural for us to worry."

Arthur sighed, but he returned the pressure of Merlin's hand. 

After his conversation with Merlin, Arthur did agree to see a therapist who had apparently specialised on children with divorced parents, but the dreams did not cease. One afternoon as he returned from school, Merlin overheard their mothers talking about it in the kitchen. 

"I don't know what to do, Hunith," Ygraine said, and Merlin's heart hammered at how desperate she sounded. "I feel like it's getting  _ worse.  _ Last night, he woke up screaming."

"Good god," Merlin's mother muttered, sounding appalled. "Does he ever tell you what he dreams about?"

"Not in great detail," Ygraine said. "I know Merlin is there because he says his name a lot. He sleep-talks sometimes. Other than that it's always the same vague answers about a medieval fantasy world of sorts, and him dying, or people he cares about getting hurt."

"He's gotta be projecting," Merlin's mother told her. "Fear of loss, maybe, after the separation."

"That's what I thought," Ygraine agreed. "The divorce hit him hard back then, and he was so young… but I don't know. He seems fine with it now, and the therapist hasn't reported any abnormalities from their sessions. Of course, Arthur could just be an extremely good actor."

"I don't know," Merlin's mother replied, sounding doubtful. "Do you remember Merlin's last birthday when we asked him to play nice with Will?"

Ygraine snorted, and it sounded so much like Arthur that it made Merlin smile despite the tension of the situation. 

"True. He can't hide his feelings for the world. I honestly thought Will would end up with cake in his face at some point." She sighed, her voice turning serious again. "But if he's not acting…"

"Maybe he's suppressing his feelings?" Merlin's mother suggested. "And that's why their only outlet are these dreams?"

Ygraine did not answer. She seemed to be thinking.

"Has Merlin said anything?" she asked, at last. "Arthur is less guarded around him. Maybe he has an idea…?"

"I'm sorry," Merlin's mother said. "It looks like Merlin is as worried as you are." Ygraine sighed. "Maybe you should let Merlin sleep over this weekend," his mother suggested suddenly. "Just to see if it makes a difference. They haven't done that in a while, have they?"

"Not since the dreams started," Ygraine admitted hesitantly. "It might be worth a try. Though I'd have to ask Arthur how he feels about it first. After all, letting Merlin see him when he's this… vulnerable… he might not want it."

"Merlin is his best friend," Merlin's mother reasoned with him. "If he can't trust Merlin with this, then who?"

It seemed like Arthur agreed with that logic because a couple of days later, he asked Merlin to come over for movies on Friday after school and then stay the night. He did not mention the dreams or that Merlin's visit might be in any way related, and neither did Merlin. Instead, they spent the night watching the Pirates of the Caribbean movies and eating way too much junk food, completely ignoring the elephant in the room. It was only when Ygraine came in to turn off the telly and tell them to get ready for bed that a certain awkwardness fell upon them, like a ghost floating between them. 

"If I wake you up, poke me," Arthur muttered when Merlin crawled underneath his blanket on his guest mattress. He held in for a moment, looking up at Arthur. The other boy was already lying on his back in the bed, staring up at the ceiling with a grave face. 

"Don't worry about that," Merlin frowned. "I don't care, okay?"

Arthur hummed but didn't say anything. 

It took Merlin a while to fall asleep that night. He kept listening for sounds from the bed, checking the rhythm of Arthur's breathing, judging whether he was asleep or not, whether he was relaxed, whether he might be slipping into a nightmare. Merlin was not sure when he drifted off, but he startled awake to a whimper from Arthur. 

He sat up straight, his heart racing as he tried to gather his wits. As he blinked himself awake, there was another pained sound from Arthur before he twisted in the sheets. Merlin hesitated only a moment before he got to his feet and made his way towards him.

Arthur's face was pinched and his breathing was uneven. He made an aborted movement as Merlin watched and gasped, his fingers clenching in his duvet. It tore at Merlin's heart.

Carefully, he sat on the edge of Arthur's bed and lay a hand on his shoulder. Arthur twitched but did not wake. Instead, there was another whimper. 

"Arthur," Merlin whispered, shaking him gently. Still, he got no reaction. "Arthur," he said, more loudly. Another shake, harder. "Arthur!" 

"Merlin!" Arthur gasped, sounding so,  _ so panicked  _ as he startled awake, jerking upright and knocking Merlin's hand off his shoulder. He seemed completely oblivious of his presence, almost feverish as he muttered, again: "Merlin -"

"I'm here!" Merlin told him, reaching out to touch his shoulder again. 

Arthur jerked away at first, apparently shocked to find anyone with him, but when his wide eyes settled on Merlin, his shoulders sagged and he looked relieved. With a sinking feeling, Merlin realised there were tears in Arthur's eyes. 

"Hey," Merlin whispered, gently. "It's just a dream, remember? It's not real."

"It feels so real," Arthur whispered, and one tear slipped, running down his cheek. "You were hurt, and there were bandits, and I needed to fight to protect us but then there was a rock slide and I lost sight of you and you were  _ gone _ -"

"Arthur," Merlin interrupted him, moving closer to him on the bed until their legs were touching and he could hold onto both his arms. Arthur was trembling rather violently and Merlin didn't know what to do, he just knew he needed to make it better somehow. "You're not a knight, or a king or whatever. I'm not your manservant and I'm not hurt. We're students and we're in your room. We're safe."

Arthur blinked and took a shaky breath. Merlin didn't wait for him to say anything else before pulling him into a clumsy embrace. 

They spent the rest of the night like that, pressed up against each other in Arthur's narrow bed. They had stopped sharing a bed when Merlin had started school but right now, Arthur seemed to need the physical comfort of a warm body and Merlin was happy to provide. 

After a while, Arthur stopped trembling and his breathing evened out. He fell asleep with his nose pressed into Merlin's hair, and curiously enough, he had no more nightmares after that.

They started to have more regular sleepovers then, Arthur claiming that he slept better when Merlin was around and their mothers being lenient under the circumstances. Sometimes, when a nightmare was especially bad, Arthur would even slip across the hallway into the Emryses' apartment and Merlin's room on a school night, using the spare key Merlin's mother had given his mother. Both women turned a blind eye, and Merlin knew that they were all in agreement that they'd rather Arthur slept in Merlin's bed on random school nights than him not sleeping at all. Plus, Merlin got used to the company pretty quickly. Whenever his mattress tipped and his blanket was lifted for Arthur to slip underneath, he merely shifted over to make room and arranged himself so that the other boy could press up against him, warm and familiar. He always fell back asleep in a matter of minutes, and so did Arthur. 

***

Around the time Merlin was to start secondary school, Arthur's overnight visits decreased and eventually stopped altogether. 

"Have your dreams stopped, then?" Merlin asked him one afternoon, as Arthur helped him with a maths problem. 

Arthur turned to frown at him. 

"Well, no," he admitted, shrugging. "I guess I just got used to them, more or less."

"So you don't wake up in the middle of the night anymore?" Merlin challenged. 

"Not really," Arthur shook his head. "Sometimes, when it's an especially bad one, but I don't get as upset over them anymore. And they're not all bad, really."

"What do you mean?" Merlin prodded, intrigued now.

"Well," Arthur shrugged, pursing his lips. "Sometimes it's just hunting trips with you and some… other knights? And sometimes it's just everyday episodes in the citadel -"

"The  _ what?" _ Merlin interrupted. 

"The  _ castle _ ," Arthur rephrased, rolling his eyes. "Honestly, Merlin."

"Hey, not everyone goes to a posh private school and gets special history tutoring through strangely realistic medieval dreams," Merlin rolled his eyes. 

"Well, it's a good thing you have me, then, isn't it," Arthur said, in that patronising way he sometimes had that would have made Will walk up the walls but that made Merlin only scoff. 

"You're a prat," Merlin muttered, without heat. Arthur just chuckled, not dignifying the insult with an answer. "So," Merlin asked, after a moment of silence, "you're really okay, then?"

"Yes, I'm okay," Arthur rolled his eyes. "I promise."

***

When Merlin started secondary school, he met a bunch of new kids, so his and Will's circle of friends expanded exponentially. There was Freya, a sweet but outspoken girl who always wore self-braided bracelets in various colours and who gifted them each one within their first week of school. There was Gilli, who was awkward and clumsy and all the more delightful for it, in Merlin's eyes. And then, there was Gwen, who was sweet and kind and who he'd originally sorted as one of the cool kids, too pretty and popular to hang out with the likes of Merlin and Will, until the teacher had paired her up with Merlin in English class and they came out of it with a blossoming friendship. 

Merlin's new friends, as it turned out, were more intrigued by his close friendship to Arthur than Will. They met him a couple of weeks after the start of term - Merlin had invited them home after school, officially to do homework together, unofficially to use homework as an excuse for talking and gossiping - as Arthur burst into Merlin's room, unannounced as he usually did. 

"Merlin," Arthur groaned, in a truly hassled tone of voice. "You won't  _ believe  _ what my father cooked up this time -"

Then, he held in, doorknob still in hand as he stared at all the people in Merlin's room: Gilli and Will were sat on Merlin's bed, their folders spread out in front of them, and Merlin, Freya and Gwen were huddled on the floor, books open as a pretence. Merlin noticed how Arthur's eyes lingered on Gwen for a moment before he quickly averted them, blinking at Merlin. 

"Sorry," he muttered. "I didn't know you had company."

"Don't worry about it," Merlin shrugged. "You weren't really interrupting anything. What did your father do this time?"

"Um," Arthur said, but his eyes flashed once to Will and back to Merlin, and Merlin got the message.

"I'll just come by after dinner," Merlin promised. "You can vent at me then."

"Thanks," Arthur sent him a crooked smile. "And get some work done. I can see you're just lazing around. That book is upside down."

"Go away, cabbage head!" Merlin laughed. 

"Not a word," Arthur threw back, grinning before he backed out of the door.

As soon as he had closed the door behind himself, Gwen leaned towards him with an eager face. 

"Who was  _ that?"  _ she asked. 

Before Merlin could answer, though, Will was already speaking. 

"Arthur Pendragon," he told her, rolling his eyes dramatically. "A royal prat and Merlin's neighbour."

"Who also happens to be my best friend, thank you very much," Merlin injected sternly. 

"I thought I was your best friend," Will pouted. 

"I've known Arthur since I was three," Merlin pointed out. "We've had this discussion, Will. Arthur will always be my best friend."

"He's so cute!" Gwen interrupted their argument, completely ignoring the way Will sulked on the bed. "Does he go to our school? Is he a year above us?"

"No, he goes to some posh private school across town," Merlin explained. "His Dad is rich, but he and his Mum are divorced and Arthur's living with her. His Dad is still paying for his tuition and stuff, though."

"Oh my god," Gwen gushed. "You should invite him to join us next time!"

"Oh please, no!" Will groaned. "Spare me!"

"Arthur and I don't usually mix our groups of friends all that much," Merlin frowned. "Besides, I don't think he wants to hang out with a bunch of seventh graders."

" _ You're  _ a seventh grader," Freya reminded him, clearly amused.

"That's different!" Merlin spluttered. "We grew up together. We're like brothers. _You_ don't hang out with your brother's friends, do you?" he countered, looking at Gwen, who pursed her lips and shook her head, though unwillingly. 

"No, I don't," she sighed. "Ugh, fine. But he really  _ is  _ cute!" 

She turned to Freya to gush about Arthur then, and Merlin awkwardly turned to his book, figuring he might as well start his homework for real if he was going over to Arthur's later.

***

When his classmates had finally departed on their ways home and Merlin had shovelled his dinner down his throat, making his Mum frown at him disapprovingly, Merlin was free to cross the hall and burst into the neighbouring apartment. He called a quick greeting at Ygraine, who was doing dishes in the kitchen, before he perfunctorily knocked on Arthur's door and poked his head in. Arthur was sitting at his desk, poring over a book, but Merlin could tell by the blankness of his gaze that he wasn't actually working. 

"Hey," Merlin said, slipping into the room and closing the door behind himself. "So, what is it your Dad did this time?" he asked without pretext, crossing the room to unceremoniously throw himself onto Arthur's bed. 

Arthur sighed, spinning in his desk chair to face him.

"You know how he had this affair while he and Mum were still married?" he began, looking tired and fed-up. "Well, guess what? Turns out I have a sister."

"No way!" Merlin gasped, his eyes widening. 

"Yup," Arthur told him grimly. "She's actually five months older than me, which means she was born when my Mum was pregnant.  _ Her _ Mum, on the other hand, was married to someone else, at that time. So how fucked up is that?"

"Your family is a soap opera," Merlin shook his head. 

"He wants me to meet her," Arthur continued, sounding angry now. "Play happy family, I assume."

"Okay," Merlin said slowly. "What are you going to do?"

"Mum says I don't need to do anything I don't want to," Arthur shrugged. "So I'm not sure."

"Well, she  _ is  _ your sister," Merlin pointed out, biting his lip. "You might end up having more in common with her than you think?"

"Like what?" Arthur snapped. "She's the spoiled daughter of some business partner of my father's. Or at least, that was the official story. Now her father passed away and dear Daddy Pendragon came to claim his daughter, like the sleaze he is."

"Well, if nothing else, you might both hate him?" Merlin tried. Arthur snorted. 

"I don't know," Arthur muttered, looking weary. "I don't really like the idea. I don't want a sister."

"You didn't want to move here at first, either," Merlin reminded him, grinning. "Or become friends with a baby with big ears."

"Shut up, Merlin," Arthur snorted, but he was smiling now. "This is different, though. Morgana…" He bit his lip and held in, hesitating. 

"What?" Merlin probed.

"This will sound insane," Arthur muttered, shaking his head. "But I've seen Morgana in my dreams. And she wasn't a good person. She hurt you. And she led a war that ended up killing me."

Merlin just looked at Arthur, at the way his shoulders had tensed up and he avoided Merlin's eyes, fidgeting with his hands instead. Merlin took a while to choose his words, speaking carefully. 

"But they are just dreams, aren't they?" Merlin asked, though even to himself, he sounded unsure rather than reassuring. 

"Are they, though?" Arthur raised his eyebrows. "I didn't know Morgana existed until today and I've been dreaming about her for years."

Merlin opened his mouth and closed it again. He blinked, fighting for words.

"But," he muttered. "How?"

"I don't know!" Arthur groaned, looking utterly frustrated. "I don't know, okay?! Sometimes I just meet people who I've seen in my dreams before! First, it was only people from school, like Percy, and I thought I'd imagined it, but now it's Morgana, too, and earlier that girl in your room, Gwen -"

"Gwen?" Merlin repeated, his eyes wide. "You saw  _ Gwen?!" _

"Yes, and it's freaking me out!" Arthur groaned. "I don't  _ want  _ an evil sister or some girl that I don't even  _ know  _ or -" 

"Arthur!" Merlin interrupted him, reaching out to place his hand on Arthur's knee. Finally, his friend met his eyes. "It's okay, you don't need to meet her if you don't want to. No one's making you." Arthur nodded, mutely, his eyes hanging on Merlin's as if they were his lifeline. "And I won't ask you to spend time with Gwen, either," Merlin clarified. "She's  _ my  _ friend and we've never mixed our circles all that much. I only told her that earlier. You don't have to worry."

"She asked about me?" Arthur whispered, sounding like his worst fears had been confirmed.

"Well, yes," Merlin said, a little apologetically. "She seemed quite taken with you. But don't worry. I'll throw her off your track. And anyway, you're in ninth grade. What would you do hanging around a bunch of seventh graders from a different school?"

Arthur took a shaky breath and nodded. "You're right," he muttered. "Of course you're right. I'm being silly."

"Don't worry," Merlin smiled. "I don't come over here for your brains."

"Excuse me," Arthur spluttered. "Who's to thank that you're usually top of your class, you ungrateful brat?"

Merlin smirked and Arthur rolled his eyes, giving him a good-natured shove.

***

Arthur did eventually meet Morgana, though it was a couple of years later and by Morgana's doing rather than their father's. One afternoon, as Merlin came back from school with Will in tow, he found a tall, slim girl in a posh uniform sitting on their doorstep, her black hair styled into a neat bun, class and luxurious upbringing just radiating off her as she scrolled lazily through something on her mobile. 

"Oh my god," Will whispered. "I think I'm in love."

Merlin, on the other hand, was far more sceptical. He approached carefully and cleared his throat. The girl did not look up.

"Excuse me," he asked her. "Can we help you?"

She finally raised her sharp gaze from her mobile, green-blue irises piercing through him.

"I don't know," she said, raising an eyebrow. "I'm looking for Arthur Pendragon."

"I'm his neighbour," Merlin told her. "And he's usually home late on Wednesday because of football practice. May I ask who you are?"

"Why should I tell you?" the girl shot back.

"Well," Merlin frowned. "Arthur also happens to be my best friend, so if you want me to message him, I need your name to tell him who's waiting for him. Though with that attitude of yours, I might not bother."

The girl pursed her lips, clearly considering Merlin's words, and then she got to her feet, reaching out to shake Merlin's hand. 

"I'm Morgana Gorlois," she introduced herself. "Arthur's half-sister."

And that was how quickly Will fell out of love with Morgana again. 

Merlin texted Arthur right away, both to inform and warn him of his fate, and then hesitantly invited the Morgana up into their apartment to wait for Arthur. There, they spent a tense hour in Morgana's presence. Arthur was quick to reply to Merlin's text, with many expletives and a promise to be home soon, and so there was nothing to do but for Merlin and Will to do homework in silence while Morgana sipped on her tea and waited. When Arthur finally knocked, Merlin was ready to kiss him, though the feeling of relief quickly abandoned him at the expression on Arthur's face. 

Arthur and Morgana did not stay long, though. After some tense introductions, Arthur quickly manoeuvred them over to their apartment to have their heart-to-heart in privacy.

"I had no idea Pendragon had a sister," Will said, as soon as Merlin had closed the door behind them. "She seems almost as pleasant as her brother."

Merlin did not comment on how quickly Will's view of Morgana had changed. Instead, he only shrugged and muttered: "It's complicated...", effectively closing the subject. 

Merlin did not see Arthur for the rest of the evening and he didn't dare burst in on them, so he messaged Arthur sometime after dinner, asking how it went. 

_ 'Could've been worse, I guess,'  _ Arthur answered, almost immediately.  _ 'You weren't wrong when you said we might commiserate over hating our father.' _

_ 'There you go,'  _ Merlin replied, trying for encouragement.  _ 'So, not evil?' _

_ 'Oh, definitely evil,'  _ Arthur replied.  _ 'But maybe it's better to have her on my side rather than facing off against me.' _

Merlin snorted out loud, shaking his head at his mobile. 

_ 'You're weird,'  _ he wrote.

_ 'No, I'm realistic. And practical. Qualities you completely lack.' _

Merlin sent Arthur three crap emoji and put his mobile down, smiling to himself.

***

As Merlin and his friends moved through secondary school, Gwen's juvenile obsession for Arthur only intensified, and it began to grind on Merlin's nerves. It was harmless, at first - the heart-eyes whenever Merlin mentioned his name or the little doodles in her notebook. But then, she started hanging around Merlin's more often, hoping to catch a glimpse of her friend's neighbour. She also stalked Arthur on social media, to the point where Merlin wished Arthur would just set his Facebook and Instagram on private. 

And then, Arthur turned sixteen towards the end of Merlin's ninth year and threw his first slightly larger party at home. Ygraine had agreed to spend the night out with Merlin's Mum so they'd have the place to themselves, and Arthur had invited a bunch of his classmates, some of whom he had been friends with since primary school like Leon or since early secondary school like Percy, and some who he'd just lately grown close to like Gwaine, or the new transfer student called Lance. And then, he'd invited girls, or, as Arthur had insisted, Gwaine had invited them.

"I know this is going to be awkward for you," Arthur sighed, looking pained. "You held your own well enough when it was just Leon and Percy, but now you're going to be the only ninth grader between a bunch of eleventh years, and Vivian can be  _ vicious." _

"Well, am I looking forward to that party now," Merlin told him sarcastically.

Arthur grimaced. "Yeah, I was going to say... Why don't you bring some of your own friends? To balance it out a little."

Merlin stared at him. Hard.

"You want us to  _ mix groups _ ?!" he asked pointedly. 

"The world is not going to explode, Merlin," Arthur rolled his eyes. "This is not chemistry class."

"But," Merlin muttered, blinking. "If I bring my friends, I have to bring Will. And  _ Gwen." _

Arthur winced at that. He had not been completely ignorant of Gwen's obsession with him.

"Well, it's better than you being mauled by my friends all night!" Arthur called defensively. "I can suffer through the two of them for a couple of hours. I have to tolerate Vivian, too, after all."

"I don't know, Arthur," Merlin frowned, remaining unconvinced. 

"Just invite them, Merlin," Arthur sighed. "It will be fine."

***

It was far from fine. 

Will spent the whole night shooting his mouth off about Arthur and his friends, and Merlin was only thankful that none of them overheard him. Percy was twice his size.

In addition, Gwen seemed to have made it her goal of the night to make Arthur notice her. Her dress was especially low-cut and she kept lounging around him, laughing at his jokes and throwing him hopeful glances. 

Merlin wasn't the only one who had noticed. Vivian, as vicious as previously described, had taken note of Gwen's fixation and had started to loudly gossip about her. Gwen had not yet realised, but Freya seemed ready to bodily tackle her to the ground. 

Merlin, meanwhile, wished feverishly that Arthur had never suggested this weird mixer of their circles. He would have been fine on his own, he was sure. Leon was kind as always and Arthur's new friends, Lance and Gwaine, seemed like especially good blokes, even though he was pretty sure Gwaine had tried to serve them alcohol earlier. He would have been  _ okay _ . But  _ this _ was about to escalate any second and Merlin didn't know what to do to stop it. 

And then, Vivian suggested they play Spin The Bottle.

Arthur and Merlin's eyes met for a moment across the room in trepidation, but the others were already hollering in approval, so that was that. They cleared the ground to form a circle, and Merlin was squeezed between Will and Gwen, of all people. 

"Okay, as the birthday boy, Arthur will have the first spin," Gwaine called. "You kiss whoever your bottle lands on. Unless it's someone of the same sex, then you kiss the next available person to their right."

"And if we want to forfeit?" Freya asked briskly. 

"There is no forfeit!" Vivian hissed.

"Now, now," Gwaine laughed. "Let's go easy on the ninth graders. If you forfeit, the person you were supposed to kiss gets to choose a dare. How's that?" 

The others mumbled in agreement. Arthur sighed, looking less than enthusiastic as he picked up the bottle. 

"Fine, let's get going, then," he muttered, spinning the empty coke bottle. It rotated a few times before it landed on a pretty girl named Mithian, who blushed prettily as all eyes landed on her.

Merlin's eyes stayed on the ground as Arthur leaned in to kiss her, and the crowd cheered. His stomach was heavy, and he suddenly felt out of place. Maybe Arthur had been right. Maybe this really wasn't his scene. 

"God, he's so pretentious," Will hissed. "Look how smug he is."

Merlin couldn't help himself - he finally looked up to see Arthur settle back into a sitting position. He looked embarrassed and uncomfortable, but far from smug.

Merlin didn't really pay attention to what happened for the next couple of rounds. He thinks he remembers Gwaine kissing Elena, in hindsight, and there was definitely a peck between Gilli and Freya. 

And then, somehow, the bottle landed on Merlin, and there was laughter all around. Merlin blinked, alert now.

"No!" Vivian snapped, looking outraged. "No way am I kissing that  _ kid!" _

"Careful," Arthur said, his voice low but deadly. He was glaring daggers at her. "You're talking about my best friend."

She flushed unattractively at that and glared at Merlin, as if all of this was his fault to begin with. 

"You know," Gwaine noted, his voice sweet. "We agreed that the younger kids could forfeit if they felt like it, but we said nothing about  _ us. _ "

"Excuse me?!" Vivian spluttered.

"I don't mind," Merlin said quickly. "She can forfeit."

"Alright then," Gwaine grinned. "But just because Merlin's so kind. You get to choose a dare, Merlin."

"Oh," Merlin blinked. "Um. I don't care. You choose something."

Apparently, that was the wrong thing to say because next thing he knew, Gwaine had drawn a rather unflattering moustache onto Vivian's face and she was glowering at Merlin as if he was the bane of her existence. Which Merlin found particularly unfair, since he had both let her forfeit _and_ had refused to choose an embarrassing dare for her. But apparently, he couldn't win tonight. 

"Okay, Merlin, your turn," Gwaine reminded him cheerfully. "Since Vivian forfeited… Spin the bottle."

Merlin almost groaned out loud. He had been  _ so close  _ to escaping. Huffing in frustration, he reached for the bottle and spun, a little too forcefully. 

It turned and turned and turned and when it finally came to a halt, Merlin's heart stopped with it. 

It was pointing to Arthur. 

Arthur was staring at him, eyes that were usually so familiar now unreadable, and it took a moment for Merlin to realise that Gwaine was talking again. 

"Okay, the lucky girl to Arthur's right is Elena! If you'd please, Merlin."

Merlin's heart fell as he remembered about the rules. Boys weren't supposed to kiss boys. He hadn't really paid attention to it at first, but now he realised how truly medieval that rule was. What if he didn't  _ want  _ to kiss girls, huh?

Merlin didn't know why he was suddenly so bothered by this, apart from the fact that, for a moment, he thought he would share his first kiss with Arthur, and now, some eleventh-year girl was looking at him expectantly, waiting for him to move towards her. And it just wasn't  _ fair. _

"I want to forfeit," Merlin blurted out, only feeling a little bad when Elena blinked and looked insecure for a moment. 

"Okay," Gwaine said, and Merlin thought he would be teased but the older boy only glanced at Arthur, who was glowering at him, and that seemed to be enough for him to let it go. "Elena. Do you have a dare for Merlin?"

Merlin thought that prank-calling a Chinese restaurant across town to try and order a pizza was definitely the better option. 

When Merlin had hung up, Arthur picked up the bottle, and Merlin suspected he did it to divert the attention from Merlin. 

"Alright, last round," he announced, spinning. And Merlin watched, quite horrified, as the bottle stopped and pointed to Gwen, of all people. 

This time, Merlin couldn't help but stare. It was like watching a car crash. Gwen was flushed and smiley and so,  _ so  _ happy and…

Merlin needed to get out of there.

"I'm going to the bathroom," Merlin muttered to Will before getting to his feet and slipping from the room, not waiting for a reaction. 

Merlin bypassed the bathroom altogether, though, instead lunging for the front door and leaving the apartment. He almost tripped on his way down the stairs and didn't draw a proper breath until he was out under the open sky. A little less urgently, he walked over to the old swing set in front of the house, sitting down on it and staring blankly into space. 

Merlin's heart was hammering in his chest, which felt tight and achy and Merlin didn't know  _ why. _

It wasn't like  _ he _ had ever particularly thought about wanting to kiss Arthur. Until that bottle had pointed to him, Merlin had not even considered it a possibility. But something about seeing Gwen kiss him… Merlin closed his eyes, trying to soothe the stinging of his eyes. 

_ Goddamnit.  _ What was  _ happening  _ to him?

When the front door opened, Merlin expected it to be Will, ready to trash Arthur some more or vent about how lame of a party this was (not that Merlin was inclined to disagree on the latter), so Merlin kept his eyes firmly shut, trying to get a grip of himself. 

The chains of the swing next to Merlin's squeaked in protest as the person sat down on it, and after a moment of silence, they spoke up. 

"I'd wondered where you'd run off to."

Merlin blinked his eyes open, stunned to stare into Arthur's eyes rather than Will's. Arthur's expression was serene, his mouth set tight as he took in Merlin's expression. 

"I'm sorry," he muttered, making a face. "I knew this party would be ridiculous from the moment Gwaine suggested inviting the girls. At first, I didn't want you there at all, but I thought you might be hurt if I didn't invite you. Now I wished I hadn't."

"It's not -" Merlin began to say, automatically, but Arthur cut him off immediately. 

"Don't make excuses for me!" Arthur snapped. "Don't pretend it's okay when it isn't! I hate when you do that!"

Merlin shut his mouth, unsure what to say.

"It's the stupid game," Arthur muttered, running a hand through his hair in frustrated. "And the stupid  _ rules! _ You realise I'm not interested in any of the girls I had to kiss tonight, right?"

Merlin didn't answer, but it didn't look like Arthur needed his input. 

"It's almost laughable," Arthur snorted. "How they make me kiss all the girls that seem to be pining for me, but I'm not allowed to kiss the  _ one _ person I  _ want  _ to kiss."

"Oh," Merlin breathed, his heart beating so hard that he thought it would jump right out of his chest at any moment. "And who is that?"

Arthur just looked at him then, eyes pleading,  _ begging  _ him to understand, and Merlin couldn't breathe. 

When Arthur leaned in to press his lips against Merlin's a moment later, it was soft, so very soft. He tasted of soda and crisps and smelled of that new scent Ygraine had given him for his birthday and too much hairspray. And underneath it all, there was something familiar that Merlin associated only with Arthur, that made him think of Disney band-aids being applied to his bruises and a warm body pressing up against his in the middle of the night. A feeling of rightness settled inside of him, and he was about to lean into the tentative press of Arthur's lips when the other boy pulled away, looking at him with wide eyes.

"Merlin," he whispered, sounding so unsure. "I'm sorry. I -"

But Merlin shook his head and reached out, letting his fingers close around Arthur's wrist.

It seemed to be all the encouragement Arthur needed. He hesitated only for a moment, meeting Merlin's eyes, before leaning in to kiss him again. 

This second kiss was just as gentle, but now that Merlin had gotten past the surprise, he was able to marvel in it more thoroughly. Every inch of his skin felt like it was tingling with the sensation, and he moved with Arthur, trying to prolong the feeling somehow, to somehow feel  _ more  _ of it.

But then, the front door opened once more and Arthur tore himself away from Merlin, leaving him feeling bereft. 

"There you are, Merlin!" Will called, and Merlin had never been as fed up with him as he was in that moment. "I thought you just went to the bathroom! And then Pendragon up-and-disappeared, too…"

"We just needed a bit of fresh air," Arthur shrugged, eyes flitting to Merlin's for a moment before getting to his feet. "Now I have to go and make sure those idiots don't wreck the apartment."

Merlin made no move to follow him. He was quite sure that if he tried to stand now, his knees would give away. So instead, Will took Arthur's place on the abandoned swing and joined him.

"This party stinks," he complained, making Merlin smile because of its predictability. 

"Just because you haven't kissed any eleventh-year girls," Merlin teased. 

"At least you had the chance, and you turned it down!" Will sighed, sounding regretful. "That Elena wasn't bad-looking, you know."

"Not my type," Merlin shrugged. 

"What, you're not into blondes?" Will frowned, making Merlin bite down on a smile. 

"Oh," he said airily. "I'm into blonds, alright."

***

Merlin was more than a little relieved when their mothers returned around 9 P.M. to send everyone on their way home. Merlin stayed behind with Arthur, starting to clean up the mess as their mothers insisted on seeing everyone off to their respective underground and bus stations. 

The silence between them felt strangely loud after the noise of the party and it took Merlin a while to gather the courage to speak. 

"Arthur," he began. "About earlier -"

"I don't regret it," Arthur said immediately, cutting off whatever Merlin had been scrambling up to say. "I've been wanting to kiss you for a while, and it was the best part of this birthday by far."

Merlin had to smile at that. He bit his lip, suddenly feeling shy.

"I had no idea you felt that way about me," Merlin told him honestly. "Since when -"

Arthur made a face. 

"Don't ask that," he whispered. "It's already weird for a sixteen-year-old to be crushing on a fourteen-year-old, but don't make me admit to when this started. I'll feel like a bloody pervert."

"Why would you say that?" Merlin frowned. "I told you I see us as equals. It doesn't matter to me that you're two years older. And anyway, it's only two years! Not even, really."

"Two years is a lot at our age," Arthur argued. "When I was thirteen and started to figure out what I wanted or who I felt drawn to, you were still  _ eleven _ . So bloody  _ innocent.  _ And I kept crawling into your bed, wondering what it would be like to kiss you. I knew then that I had to stop."

Merlin stared at him, wide-eyed. 

"All this time?" he whispered. "For  _ three years?!" _

"You don't understand," Arthur said, sounding urgent now. He reached out to touch Merlin, his fingers finding his elbow and clinging on. "These dreams that I have… I don't think they're dreams at all. I think they're memories."

"Memories?" Merlin asked faintly. 

"Yes," Arthur nodded. "Of another life, where you were my best friend and I loved you but I didn't bloody  _ realise _ until I was  _ dying _ ! I was married to someone else, for God's sake, but when I died in your arms, all I could think was that I didn't want to leave  _ you.  _ But now -" he squeezed Merlin's arm, "now I got another chance, and this time, I won't mess it up. No distractions. No wives or wars or anything getting in the way of us being together."

Merlin didn’t know what to say. He just stood there, lost in Arthur’s eyes, his heart racing as he drowned in the implications of his words. 

“I know this sounds messed up,” Arthur continued, “but I  _ know _ that I’m right. I always knew those dreams were not normal. It only took me years to figure out what they really meant.”

“Which is that we’re, what, soulmates?” Merlin asked, still stomped.

Arthur smiled, a little self-consciously. “Well, sorta.” When Merlin didn’t answer, he hastened to add: “You don’t have to believe me. I know it sounds mental to everyone outside of my own head. But hey…” he shrugged again, sheepish now, “at least it’s a better explanation for falling for you than me perving after your eleven-year-old arse.”

Merlin barked out a laugh, unable to help himself. He shook his head. 

“The crazy thing is, I  _ do  _ believe you,” Merlin muttered, frowning. “I mean, I’ve been there all these years, watching you suffer through those dreams. It would be stupid to think you’d faked them. And it  _ would _ explain why I’m in them, or why you’ve seen people you only met after…” He caught Arthur’s eyes, and it took his breath away how  _ hopeful _ and  _ fond _ he looked. “So, yes,” Merlin finished, rather lamely. “I think I believe you.”

“Thank God,” Arthur whispered, grinning. “I’m not sure what I would have done if you had run because of that revelation.”

“Don’t worry about that,” Merlin promised. “I’m not going anywhere.”

“Good,” Arthur muttered, his expression soft as he moved closer, close enough for Merlin to feel his breath on his face, and  _ oh.  _ “Then maybe, we can try this again.”

This time, Merlin met Arthur halfway, his eyelids fluttering closed as their lips met. Dear God, but if they really were soulmates, it would at least explain why this felt so bloody  _ perfect.  _ Merlin’s arms moved of their own volition, coming up around Arthur’s shoulders and holding on tight, trying to get as close as he could. Arthur, in turn, wrapped his arms around Merlin’s waist, bringing them chest to chest.

Merlin felt dizzy, heady with the sensations crashing down on him. Arthur seemed to be surrounding him, and every time he inhaled, Arthur’s scent assaulted him, making him unable to think, to remember there was anything in this world but Arthur and his soft lips and his warmth and -

And then, the door to Arthur’s room opened and Ygraine peeked inside, making them jump apart. 

“Okay, Arthur, we dropped all your friends off safely, but please check with them if they arrived ho- oh,” she held in, blinking at their flushed, guilty faces, and Merlin knew they had not been fast enough. “Sorry, I did not mean to interrupt.”

And with that, she backed out of the room again, closing the door again. 

The two of them stood, unmoving, for a long moment. Then, Arthur whimpered next to him. 

“Oh, perfect,” he moaned. “We haven’t even gone out on a date yet and I’ll already get the Mother Talk.”

“It might not be so bad?” Merlin tried, hopeful. “After all, we’ve known each other forever.”

“That’s exactly why it will be horrible,” Arthur ensured him, pained.

***

Of course, Arthur was right.

When they finally dared to leave Arthur’s room, both their mothers were sitting in Ygraine’s kitchen, waiting for them.

“So,” Ygraine started, her tone diplomatic. “We want you to know that we are supportive of all your choices. If you two are in love, that’s great, and we couldn’t be happier for you.”

“Exactly,” Merlin’s Mum joined in. “But we want you to know that there are going to be certain rules attached to you seeing each other, and we’re going to see them through.” And then, to Merlin’s horror, his Mum’s eyes landed on Arthur, whose shoulders tensed under her surveillance. “Arthur,” she continued, “I know you’re sixteen now, and you’re likely to have the _desires_ that come with your age. But I need to remind you that Merlin is fourteen, and -”

“Oh my God, Mum!” Merlin called, horrified.

“- and I expect you to respect his boundaries,” his mother continued, as though her son wasn’t dying of mortification. “I want to hear no talk of sex while Merlin is still at such a delicate age. Do you understand me?”

“Hunith, I swear the farthest thing on my mind is to push Merlin into anything he’s not ready to do,” Arthur replied, red-faced but earnest nonetheless. “If I wanted to experiment, I would hook up with any girl from my year. But that wouldn’t  _ mean _ anything. I want to be with Merlin, and no one else. I’ll gladly wait till he’s ready, no matter how long that takes.”

Merlin’s Mum was smiling softly by the time Arthur had finished speaking, and so was Ygraine as she caught her eye. 

“Alright, then,” she nodded. “Still, there will be some ground rules. No more sleepovers. Whenever you meet up from now on, I want the door slightly opened.”

“Mum,” Merlin whined, rolling his eyes. “This is really not necessary!”

“I say it is, Merlin,” she said sternly. “You’re in ninth grade. Be thankful I allow you to date at all.”

“And we, Arthur, are going to have a long talk about safety and consent,” Ygraine noted, catching her son’s eye, who looked slightly green at the prospect. 

“So are we, for that matter,” Merlin’s mother agreed, and Merlin glared at her halfheartedly. “Now, say goodnight, you two. It’s time to sleep.”

They thankfully gave Arthur and Merlin some privacy to part for the night, even though it was just in the hallway between two open front doors while their mothers were in their respective apartments. 

“Well, this will give me nightmares for years to come,” Merlin muttered, making Arthur chuckle.

“At least they took it well?” Arthur tried. “I had this lingering fear that your Mum might actually try to castrate me. She’s so protective of you sometimes. Not that I blame her,” he smiled sheepishly as he added that last bit, making Merlin glower at him.

“You all treat me like I’m a naive damsel who can't help but be seduced by you,” Merlin complained. “I can very well take care of myself, you know!”

“Oh, I know,” Arthur shrugged. “That doesn’t mean, though, that we don’t love you enough to want to protect you. And you  _ are _ still pretty young. Your Mum is right.”

“I’m not five,” Merlin rolled his eyes.

“You’re not eighteen, either,” Arthur snorted. “Or my age, for that matter. But don’t worry. I meant what I said in there. I don’t mind taking it slow.”

Merlin hummed and was distracted when Arthur cupped his cheek and pulled him into a kiss, sweet and affectionate.

“Stop pouting,” he smiled when he pulled away, catching Merlin’s eyes. “Let me take you out on a date tomorrow. It’s Sunday, after all.”

“Okay,” Merlin agreed, way too easily, making Arthur’s smile widen. “Do I get ice cream?”

“You can have anything you want,” Arthur snorted, leaning in to kiss him once more, lingering this time, making Merlin forget what he was upset about in the first place.

***

It took Merlin almost two weeks to build up the courage to let his friends know that he was dating Arthur. It wasn’t that he was scared of coming clean about being attracted to blokes - though, before Arthur, he honestly hadn’t really put much thought into the question who he was attracted to, to begin with, so there was probably not much to come clean about - but rather, he was worried about both Will and especially Gwen’s reaction. 

He knew Will wouldn’t be over the moon and Will tended to get unfair whenever Arthur was concerned, but Merlin figured he would be able to deal with whatever the other boy threw at him. He had dealt with Will’s tantrums for a long time. 

But Gwen was a different matter altogether. Gwen had been fancying Arthur for the better part of secondary school, and Merlin, as her friend, was well-aware of that fact. He was afraid that she would see it as a betrayal of their friendship that he was now dating the boy he knew she liked. (Nevermind that the same boy had been  _ his _ childhood friend to start with, so really, as far as Merlin was concerned, she had no rights over him. He had been there first.)

So when at lunch on the second Thursday after Arthur’s birthday party Freya asked Merlin if he had any plans for the weekend, Merlin was more than a little nervous about telling them the truth. But he figured it was time. He was serious about Arthur, and he would not hide him forever.

“Yes, actually,” Merlin told her, clearing his throat, “I have a date on Saturday.”

And as quickly as that, all conversation at their table died. Everyone turned to stare at him. Gilli had frozen in his movements, the fork halfway to his mouth.

_ “A date?!” _ Will called, sounding completely affronted. “How come I only hear about this now?! Who is she?!”

Merlin flinched, but no one seemed to notice.

“Is it Eira from Class B?” Gwen asked, her eyes sparkling. “Oh, I knew she had a thing for you!”

“No,” Merlin shook his head, “it’s no one from our school.”

“Don’t tell me you scored one of those eleventh-year girls from Pendragon’s party?!” Will demanded, his eyes wide. “Merlin, you little shit!”

“No, it’s none of them,” Merlin shook his head, feeling more mortified by the second. “Actually, it’s not a girl.”

A long pause followed his words. Will looked stomped, as though he was looking for the punchline to Merlin’s joke. Freya was the first one to speak.

“Good for you, Merlin,” she said, with feeling. “So, who is the lucky bloke? Some gorgeous eleventh grader?”

Merlin caught her eye, and she smiled at him encouragingly. It gave him the initiative to finally tell them all of it.

“It’s Arthur,” he admitted, immediately turning to look at Gwen. His friend’s face had fallen just so, the sparkle in her eyes gone. “At his party, when I went outside for a couple of minutes during Spin The Bottle, he came after me, and we ended up kissing. I didn’t know how to tell you.”

The silence following Merlin’s words stretched on, and again, it was Freya who spoke.

“Well, that certainly explains a lot of that was going on at that party,” she said lightly. “I thought Arthur was going to bite Vivian’s head off for a moment there. In general, he was totally not into the game and really touchy about you.”

Merlin hummed, but his eyes were still on Gwen. Her expression had closed off even more throughout Freya’s speech, and Merlin was panicking.

“I’m sorry,” he told her. “I just -”

“I’m not hungry anymore,” Gwen announced, getting to her feet. “I’ll just step outside for a bit. See you in class.”

And with that, she was shouldering her bag and fleeing their table. Merlin stared after her helplessly. Freya sighed, getting up to chase after her.

“Don’t worry, I’ve got it,” she told him. “You did nothing wrong. She’s going to get over it.”

Merlin wasn’t reassured, though, and he looked blankly at his half-eaten plate, having lost all appetite, too. He’d almost forgotten about Will when the other boy spoke up.

“So,” he said, sounding entirely unenthused. “You and Pendragon, huh?”

“Please don’t start telling me how much you hate him again,” Merlin pleaded. “I really can’t use that right now, okay?”

Will pursed his lips. 

“I can’t pretend to understand what you see in him,” Will shrugged. “But if he makes you happy and treats you well, I’ll stay out of it.” He hesitated, before adding, his voice a little darker: “But God help him if he hurts you. I don’t care if he’s bigger and older or if he has more money. I’ll make him suffer, mate.”

Merlin had to smile at that, bumping his shoulder.

“You might get in line behind my Mum,” he confided. “She gave him a speech when she found out.”

“Always liked the woman,” Will declared, taking a sip of his soda. 

“Seriously, though, Merlin,” Gilli smirked, shaking his head. “You’re kinda winning school right now, aren’t you? You’re top of our year and now you also have a rich, handsome eleventh-year boyfriend from a posh private school. You have the best of both worlds, mate.”

“Shut it,” Merlin snorted, but he was grinning now. “It’s not like it’s a competition.”

“School is always a competition,” Gilli shrugged. “But isn’t it nice to see a nerd winning, for once?”

***

It took Gwen until the following Monday to come around. Before class, she slid into the seat next to Merlin, not meeting his eyes as she muttered: “Hey. Listen, I’m sorry.” Merlin was already opening his mouth, about to say that it was  _ him  _ who was sorry, but Gwen was already shaking her head, cutting him off. “And don’t you dare apologise,” she said sternly. “You’re not to blame here.”

“But I knew you liked him,” Merlin winced. “I should have -”

“And  _ I  _ should have realised that you liked him, too,” Gwen pointed out, matter-of-factly. “I took some time to reflect this weekend, and it was so  _ obvious.  _ You talk about him  _ all the time _ , and you’ve always tried so hard to hide him from me, and it should have clued me in. I tried to run my head through a wall, as if by trying hard enough, I could somehow win him over, but that was stupid. He was yours all along. And I’m sorry I didn’t stop to see that.”

“Strictly speaking, he wasn’t mine  _ all along _ ,” Merlin muttered. “I mean, yes, he told me he’d liked me that way for a while, but we haven’t been together or anything. I wasn’t even aware that I had feelings for him. So it’s not like you did anything wrong, either.”

“I was pretty pushy, though,” Gwen sighed, frowning. “I never wanted to be  _ that _ kind of girl. Like Vivian.”

“Oh my god, you’re not like Vivian!” Merlin called, appalled.

“I wasn’t much better, though,” Gwen frowned. “I tried  _ so hard  _ to make Arthur pay attention to me, and when he was forced to kiss me in that game, I made myself think it meant something. How stupid was that? And then, when you told us that you were with him, I couldn’t even be happy for you. I don’t want to be that kind of person, Merlin,” she concluded, finally meeting his eyes. “Please, if I ever obsess like this over a boy again, tell me. Put a stop to it.”

“I don’t think it’s wrong to be passionate, Gwen,” Merlin ensured her. “It’s one of your best qualities. Just maybe, don’t lose your head next time?”

“I’ll try,” Gwen sighed, biting her lip. “Are we okay?” she asked hesitantly. 

“Of course we’re okay,” Merlin smiled. 

The smile he received in return from Gwen was so blinding that it would have been impossible to not let any lingering resentment against her go. 

***

For the most part, dating Arthur wasn’t that much different from being his best friend. Arthur still helped him with his homework, and they still teased each other mercilessly and insulted each other’s everything. But now, there was the added bonus of long cuddle sessions and mind-blowing kisses. Arthur abode rigorously to the rules Merlin’s Mum set, always keeping the door just that tiny bit open and never letting his hands wander below the waistline or beneath clothes, even after dating Merlin for close to a year, a fact that frustrated the younger boy to no end, but he knew that Arthur would not back an inch. 

That did not keep him from trying, though. 

“Merlin,” Arthur sighed, biting his bottom lip as Merlin nibbled at his neck, sorely tempted to leave a mark. “Merlin, stop.”

“No,” Merlin complained, pressing his nose to that spot behind Arthur’s ear and inhaling. It made Arthur shiver. Merlin was hard in his uniform, and he knew Arthur wasn’t much better off, had felt it when they had moved against each other. He wanted release so desperately, wanted  _ Arthur _ so desperately, but Arthur was already twining his fingers into Merlin's hair and gently pulling his head back so that it was resting on his arm. “This is not fair,” he muttered. “Just because I’m younger doesn’t mean I don’t want to touch you!”

Arthur snorted. “I can tell,” he commented.

“Why did our Mums even buy us condoms and stuff and give us the sex talk if we’re supposed to stay abstinent for the unforeseeable future?” Merlin pouted. “It’s a waste.”

“Better safe than sorry,” Arthur shrugged. “I think they don’t trust our self-control. And looking at you, they weren’t wrong.”

“But you’re the model son, so they’re lucky,” Merlin quipped, glaring at him. 

Arthur chuckled, leaning in to press a soft kiss to Merlin’s pouty lips.

“Let’s at least wait till you’re in year eleven,” Arthur whispered. “I’ll feel better about it then.”

“That’s three more months!” Merlin whined. 

“I waited for three years to kiss you,” Arthur rolled his eyes. “You can wait three more months.”

Merlin didn’t feel like he could, but he had no choice on the matter. He wanked himself silly, imagining his hand was Arthur’s, tying himself over until the start of the new school year. The fact that Arthur worked a summer internship at his father’s company did nothing to help the matter, for it only left less time for them to spend together and made Merlin feel all the more frustrated in general. 

Merlin did not see it coming when a week before the start of term, for his birthday, Arthur surprised him with a weekend trip to Brighton.

“Why did you think I took the internship with my father?” Arthur laughed at him. “Surely not because I want to work for him in the future! No, I wanted to save up money. I sweet-talked Hunith into letting us go, though it took a couple of tries, and she’ll have my balls for breakfast if anything happens. But we are officially allowed to go.”

“Oh my god,” Merlin muttered, staring at him in awe. “You are incredible.”

“I know,” Arthur grinned, extremely smug, and Merlin couldn’t help but lean in and snog him silly. 

***

Their trip to Brighton was so perfect that it was surreal. 

The weather was great, for one, so once they’d arrived at their Bed & Breakfast and entrusted their luggage to the nice lady at the reception (it was too early to check into their room), they made their way down to the pier and the beach, just enjoying themselves. There was lots of greasy food involved, as well as holding hands and walking barefoot in the sand and other ridiculously coupley things that made Merlin feel like his heart was going to jump out of his chest from happiness. 

“This has got to be the best birthday ever,” Merlin pointed out as they watched the sunset, Merlin leaning sideways into Arthur who had his arm slung around him, encasing him in a warm, comfortable cocoon. 

“High praise,” Arthur smiled, turning his face to press a lingering kiss to Merlin’s temple. “I’m glad you liked it.”

“I  _ love _ it,” Merlin stressed, closing his eyes and enjoying Arthur’s proximity. “We haven’t been alone enough lately.”

“I know,” Arthur admitted. “I’m sorry.”

“It’s not your fault,” Merlin sighed, trying to lean impossibly closer to him, to sink into Arthur’s touch and disappear. “I guess I have to get used to this. You’re about to graduate next year. You’ll become super busy soon. And then you’ll be off to university. I know your father wants you at Oxford, so -”

“My father doesn’t get to dictate my life, Merlin, you should know that by now,” Arthur rolled his eyes, reaching up to twist his fingers in Merlin’s hair. “No, I’m not leaving London. I’ve got my eyes set on UCL.”

“You want to stay in London?” Merlin perked up, hope leaking into his voice. 

“I’m not separating from you for two years,” Arthur’s scoffed. “Or possibly more. Plus, I already told you, I don’t want to join my father’s company. I want to be a teacher.”

“You do?” Merlin asked, flabbergasted.

“Yes,” Arthur laughed. “All these years of tutoring you rubbed off on me, you know. Not to mention the whole seeing-dreams-of-a-past-era-thing. I’ve become pretty obsessed with history. Might as well teach it.”

Merlin grinned, glancing up to meet Arthur’s eyes. “I think it’s perfect for you,” he told him sincerely. “You’ll make an amazing teacher.”

“Thanks,” Arthur smiled, pressing a kiss to Merlin’s forehead. “Fact is, though, you’re not getting rid of me so soon, Merlin. Don’t you worry about that.”

Merlin smiled, feeling giddy with happiness, and wrapped his arms around Arthur’s waist, burying his nose in his neck. 

***

They made their way back to the Bed & Breakfast after a late dinner, finally checking into their room. It was small but cosy, the colours bright and the window looking out over the sea. There was only one double bed, and the implications of that made Merlin’s heartbeat speed up noticeably. 

“Why don’t you go have a shower first,” Arthur suggested, not meeting his eyes as he set down his overnight bag. “We’ve been at the beach all day, and you smell it.”

“Wow, you’re a romantic,” Merlin rolled his eyes, flipping him off when Arthur smirked at him over his shoulder. “You don’t exactly smell of roses, either.”

“I know, which is why I’ll go after you. Now go ahead! I’ll unpack a little.”

Giving in, Merlin opened his own bag and grabbed his toiletries, a fresh T-shirt, underwear and pyjama bottoms before he disappeared into the ensuite. All throughout his shower, his thoughts revolved around what might or might not happen between him and Arthur tonight. He had waited so long for things to move beyond their usual kisses and cuddles that now that it might actually happen, he felt overwhelmed with nerves. After all, he had no clue what he was doing. What if Arthur didn’t like it? What if it ruined things between them? 

By the time Arthur was in and out of the bathroom, his blond hair damp from the shower, Merlin felt like he was going to die of his unexpected anxiety. He lay on his side of the bed, tense and stock-still, as Arthur climbed in, draping the covers over himself and resting his head on his arm, looking at Merlin sideways.

For a long moment, none of them spoke. Then, Arthur whispered: “Listen, Merlin. I came up with this because you kept saying you wanted to move things along between us, and I thought I'd… create an opportunity for us to actually be uninterrupted. But we don’t  _ need _ to do anything, okay? If you don’t feel comfortable -”

“It’s not that,” Merlin interrupted him quickly, his voice small. His heart was in his throat, and he felt silly for freaking out like this. “It’s not that at all,” he muttered. “I want to be with you. I’m just nervous. I have no clue what I’m doing.”

“Well, neither do I,” Arthur smiled. “You know I’ve never been with anyone but you. And I never want to be, either. So we can just figure it out together, right? It doesn’t matter.”

Merlin met Arthur’s eyes then, still feeling insecure, but Arthur’s smile was gentle as he reached out to trace Merlin’s cheekbone with his thumb.

“You really are a bug head,” he teased. “There’s nothing to be scared about. It’s just me. I told you I’m not going anywhere.”

“Well, you’re a clotpole,” Merlin shot back, the banter coming easily to him. Arthur’s eyes sparkled, and then he burst into helpless laughter, pressing his face into his pillow. “What?” Merlin challenged. “Don’t tell me it’s not a word, it’s -”

“No,” Arthur got out, between giggles. “It’s just - you’ve said this before. In our other life.”

“I have?” Merlin asked, stunned.

“Yes,” Arthur confirmed, sounding completely delighted, and then, Merlin found himself enveloped in a tight embrace. “You’re a marvel,” he muttered, into Merlin’s hair. “I’m never letting you go.”

Merlin smiled helplessly, feeling a little awed and out of the loop as he always did when Arthur talked about his dreams and what he believed to be their past life together. But when Arthur pulled away, staring down at him with all the affection written that obviously across his face, Merlin couldn’t help but let go of his nerves and fears. Because this was  _ Arthur _ , and nothing had ever felt wrong between them. 

“I love you,” Arthur whispered, surprising Merlin with the directness of the words. It only took a moment for Merlin to find the matching answer, and he found he meant it from the bottom of his soul.

“I love you, too.”

And when Arthur kissed him, everything just fell into place. Arthur’s lips moving against his ignited a fire within Merlin that spread underneath his skin, spreading across his whole body and made him press up into Arthur's warm body, making his boyfriend moan softly against his lips and fist a hand in his hair, deepening their kiss. Arthur’s tongue entangling with his wasn’t a new sensation to Merlin by far, but they usually didn’t let their more steamy kisses drag on, Arthur ever-too-aware of their boundaries. Now, they were able to indulge without restraint, and Merlin felt himself drown in it, lost in the taste of Arthur. 

Merlin had never been patient, though, and soon, his hands travelled under Arthur’s shirt, searching his warm, naked skin, thrilled when for once, he wasn’t chastised. Arthur reluctantly broke the kiss when Merlin pulled at the fabric, eager to lose the garment sooner rather than later. He shrugged it off, carelessly discarding it onto the floor before returning his attention to Merlin’s mouth. 

Merlin, on the other hand, marvelled at all the smooth, hot skin now available for him to touch. He ran his palms up Arthur’s back, clinging to his strong shoulders for a while before letting curious fingers explore, down arms and collarbones, tracing his chest and stomach with a reverence that had Arthur twitching under his attention, goosebumps breaking out across his skin. When Merlin’s thumb circled his hardening nipple, playing with it, Arthur broke their kiss to press his face into Merlin’s neck, moaning.

“God,” he muttered. “What you’re doing to me, Merlin.”

Merlin grinned sheepishly and took advantage of the way Arthur had now exposed his throat to him, twisting to press his lips there. Arthur made a muffled sound, and his hips ground down into Merlin’s thigh, making Merlin aware of just how hard his boyfriend was. It made a thrill run through him, like an electric rush, knowing that  _ he _ had done that to Arthur. 

“Let me touch you,” Merlin whispered before he could help himself. “Please.”

Arthur groaned. “This was going to go differently, you know,” he informed him, his voice rough. “I was going to spoil you rotten and give you a mind-blowing orgasm and -”

“Yes, yes, we can do that later,” Merlin interrupted him. “Now, I want to make you feel good, so stop talking and let me get to it.”

Arthur laughed, his chuckles vibrating against the skin of Merlin’s neck, and Merlin felt quite pleased with himself.

“By all means,” Arthur said, at last. “Don’t let me stop you.”

Satisfied, Merlin’s hands went to Arthur’s boxer shorts. Too impatient to separate long enough for Arthur to remove them and quite liking the way Arthur felt pressed against him, he slipped his hand right past the waistband, quickly finding the hot flesh of Arthur’s erection. 

Arthur’s whole body tensed at the touch, and he drew in a gasping breath. “Oh God,” he muttered, his hand tightening in Merlin’s hair. 

Merlin smiled, sucking at the juncture of Arthur’s neck and shoulder as he fisted his shaft, feeling it hot and heavy in his hand. It felt so different from touching himself. Sure, the angle was different (slightly awkward, but he did not mind), but Arthur also filled his palm more than his own cock did, though he did not seem to be as long as Merlin. Experimentally, he moved his fingers up, feeling to the soft mushroom head that was leaking precum onto Merlin’s fingers, causing Arthur’s whole body to shiver. 

“I’m going to come in, like, three seconds,” Arthur muttered, his voice strained. 

“Oh?” Merlin smiled, his voice teasing. “And I thought we hadn’t even started.”

Arthur groaned and untucked his face from Merlin’s neck to pull him into a rough kiss, more demanding than Merlin was used to, but  _ damn _ did he love it. To show his appreciation, he started moving his hand up and down Arthur’s shaft, stroking him tentatively at first, then with more determination, picking up speed, and Arthur was quickly unravelling against him. He whimpered into his mouth, his hips making aborted movements, and then, the flesh of Arthur’s cock hardened impossibly more between his fingers, and twitched. That was all the warning Merlin got before Arthur came, his cum pulsing out of him, the fluid staining the inside of his boxers as well as Merlin’s hand. Arthur gasped, wretching his lips away from Merlin’s and pressing his face back into his neck, trembling with the force of his climax. Merlin’s free hand came up to caress the back of his neck soothingly, waiting for him to come down. 

Only when Arthur had stopped trembling and twitching, Merlin’s wet hand motionlessly cupping Arthur’s now soft cock, did Merlin turn his face to press his lips to Arthur’s temple, whispering: “Yeah? Good?”

Arthur chuckled, shaking his head.

“If you couldn’t tell, Merlin, we might have a problem.”

Merlin grinned and carefully withdrew his hand from Arthur’s boxers, grimacing at the mess. 

“Wait,” Arthur said blurrily, reaching across the bed to the bedside table, where he had placed a box of tissues. “Here,” he handed them to Merlin, who took one and cleaned his hand. Arthur took two of his own and shimmied out of his boxers, cleaning himself up. When he was done, he looked at Merlin critically. “You’re still far to dressed,” he deadpanned. “I want you naked. Now.”

“Oh?” Merlin smirked, already reaching for his shirt. “Is the spoiling-me-part of the night going to start?”

“You bet,” Arthur said, making it sound like a threat, underlining his words by reaching for Merlin’s pyjama bottoms and unceremoniously pulling them down his legs, along with his underwear. Merlin had no time at all to feel self-conscious at his sudden nakedness before he found himself kissed deeply and messily into the pillow, Arthur’s hands finding his and entwining their fingers, pressing them against the mattress next to his head and holding them immobile. Merlin felt completely anchored by Arthur, like he had roamed the universe for centuries only to arrive home at last. 

Arthur’s attention didn’t stay on Merlin’s lips for long. He kissed down Merlin’s throat, licking and sucking at his Adam’s apple, a sensation that went straight to Merlin’s already straining cock. He then moved on to Merlin’s collar bones, his shoulders, his inner arms, the sensitive patch inside his elbows that made Merlin feel strangely tingly when Arthur kissed it, and the inside of his wrist, before changing sides and starting all over again. Finally, he moved down his chest, paying Merlin back in kind for torturing his nipples earlier, and eventually kissing down to his belly button until Merlin was a shuddering mess, hard and desperate.

He should maybe have expected it when Arthur’s tongue flicked across the tip of his cock, but he did not. He gasped in surprise, looking down to find Arthur’s eyes on him, gauging his reaction. The mesmerising blue orbs stayed locked to his as Arthur fisted the base of Merlin’s shaft and leaned in, his lips closing around the head.

“Oh my god,” Merlin moaned, unable to tear his eyes away, fighting against the overwhelming urge to close them and succumb to the pleasure.  _ “Arthur.” _

Arthur did not pause, though. Instead, he moved down on Merlin, taking him in a little more, tongueing at the underside as he did. Little by little, he took him in further, and Merlin felt like he was going to  _ melt.  _ His toes were curling and he was fisting the sheets and biting his bottom lip to keep his voice in check. 

When Arthur’s lips met the place where his fingers were wrapped around him, Merlin gave in and closed his eyes, just  _ feeling _ . Arthur’s mouth was so warm and perfect, and his tongue was doing things Merlin’s fuzzy mind couldn’t identify but quite approved of, and then, Arthur added suction, and Merlin honestly thought he was going to die from the feeling. 

His orgasm rushed over him like a tidal wave, pulling him down so completely that he was unaware of everything but his pleasure for quite a while. When he resurfaced, Arthur was holding him against his chest, stroking his hair and kissing his forehead. 

“Oh god,” Merlin said weakly, superfluously, and Arthur chuckled. 

“Worth the wait?” Arthur checked, pressing a soft kiss to his lips. 

“Always,” Merlin smiled, too honest and not caring in the least because, at this moment, he was happy and safe and at  _ home _ . 

“Good,” he heard Arthur whisper, who wrapped him up into an even tighter embrace and rested his forehead against his.

It was peaceful, and it was perfect. 

***

“Merlin, are you ready?” Gwen asks him anxiously, checking him over critically. “Do you need anything?”

“I’m fine, Gwen,” Merlin ensures her, rolling his eyes. “Now take your seat with Lance, the ceremony is about to start!”

“Alright, alright, I’m going!” she chuckles, smiling fondly at Merlin. “You look gorgeous, by the way. Have I told you that already?”

“Only twice in the last half hour,” Merlin smirks. 

“Arthur is one lucky man,” Gwen grins as she finally backs out of the door, leaving Merlin to his own thoughts for one blessed minute. He takes a look in the mirror, his eyes traveling over his formal attire. He’s not used to wearing a tux and he’ll be more than happy when Arthur can tear it off him tonight, but for now, he thinks he looks neat enough. 

And it’s for Arthur, anyway. As long as Arthur likes it, he will suffer through it. 

The door opens, and his Mum peeks in, a soft smile on her lips.

“They’re ready, Merlin,” she tells him. “Shall we?”

With a grin, Merlin nods and crosses the room to join her out in the hallway. The guests have already taken their seats in the room where the ceremony is about to start, but Merlin can see Arthur and Ygraine lingering near the entrance, waiting for the to-go sign. Arthur looks absolutely stunning, like the royal he claims to have been in his past life, pulling off the suit and tie like he was made to wear them. 

He catches Merlin’s eyes across the hall and sends him a blinding smile. Then, the music starts, and Ygraine elbows her son to get him to move. With a last look towards Merlin, he follows his mother out.

“Come on,” Merlin’s mother tells him, taking his arm and leading him towards the place Arthur and Ygraine had just abandoned. From here, he can watch them make his way down to the front of the room, where the government official as well as Leon and Will are waiting for them. As they reach the little elevation where the ceremony is to be performed, they stop, and Ygraine turns to her son, kissing him on the cheek, her eyes shining as she steps aside to take her seat in the first row.

Then, it is Merlin’s turn. His Mum tugs at his arm and they step forward. Immediately, his eyes find Arthur’s and stay there. 

Arthur had proposed not a year ago, on Merlin’s graduation day. His friends say it had been a long time coming, them being the steady couple they had been since school days, but it had still overwhelmed Merlin, like everything Arthur does tends to do. 

Of course, things aren’t always easy between them. Like every couple, they have their fights, and when Merlin had told Arthur of his plans to accept an offer for a postgraduate programme at Harvard medical school, full scholarship, Arthur had not been pleased at all. But they had made it work, had lasted through the two years of long-distance-relationship and are now back together in London, Merlin with his degree and a job at a local hospital as a paediatrist, Arthur working at a nearby secondary school as an English and History teacher.

Merlin and his Mum reach the front of the room, his mother leaning in to kiss him on the cheek, like Ygraine had done to Arthur, before handing her son over to his soon-to-be-husband. 

As Arthur takes Merlin’s hand, helping him up the steps, he looks at him as if he can’t believe his luck. Arthur still has this way of making Merlin feel like he’s the best thing in the universe to him, even after all these years together. Part of Merlin had waited for that to fade as time passed, for Arthur to stop believing in his soulmates-theory and see Merlin as the flawed person he is, but somehow, that had never come to pass. And as Merlin looks into Arthur’s eyes, seeing the pure devotion in them, he couldn’t be more thankful.

Merlin does not really pay attention as the government official starts the ceremony, instead captivated by the deep blue of Arthur’s eyes and the warm touch of his hand. It is only when they are asked to say their vows that Merlin perks up, making Arthur grin, as if he knows exactly what is going through Merlin’s mind. 

It was Arthur who’d suggested choosing poems as their vows. Neither of them had ever been good with words, and halfway through his literature studies, Arthur had developed an obsession for poetry - though why, Merlin had never quite understood, because Arthur just smiles mysteriously at him every time he asks - and Merlin had indulged him, weak as he is. 

Now, though, Merlin has to actually  _ recite _ a poem because of his inability to deny Arthur, despite being a rubbish public speaker and having no sense for enunciation, as Arthur keeps reminding him every time they read together. But, oh well. It’s for Arthur, after all. 

He has chosen a poem by E. E. Cummings, and he squeezes Arthur’s hand before he takes a deep breath and begins speaking:

_ “i carry your heart with me(i carry it in _ _   
_ _ my heart)i am never without it(anywhere _

_ i go you go,my dear;and whatever is done _

_ by only me is your doing,my darling) _

_ i fear _

_ no fate(for you are my fate,my sweet)i want _

_ no world(for beautiful you are my world,my true) _

_ and it’s you are whatever a moon has always meant _

_ and whatever a sun will always sing is you _

_ here is the deepest secret nobody knows _

_ (here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud _

_ and the sky of the sky of a tree called life;which grows _

_ higher than soul can hope or mind can hide) _

_ and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart _

_ i carry your heart(i carry it in my heart)” _

Arthur’s eyes are glistening when Merlin finishes speaking, and he feels quite smug. He turns away for a moment to face Will, who is already waiting, Arthur’s wedding band in hand. He winks at Merlin as he hands it to him, and Merlin grins at him before turning back to Arthur.

"This ring I give to you as a token of my love and devotion,” he recites the words they have chosen together, taking Arthur’s hand to slide the ring onto his finger. “I pledge to you all that I am and all that I will ever be as your husband. With this ring, I gladly marry you and join my life to yours."

Arthur smiles at him, looking so blissfully happy that it takes Merlin’s breath away for a moment. Then,  Arthur clears his throat and takes a moment to collect himself before meeting his eyes again and speaking up as well.

_ “How do I love thee? Let me count the ways. _

_ I love thee to the depth and breadth and height  _

_ My soul can reach, when feeling out of sight  _

_ For the ends of Being and ideal Grace. _

_ I love thee to the level of every day's  _

_ Most quiet need, by sun and candlelight. _

_ I love thee freely, as men strive for Right;  _

_ I love thee purely, as they turn from Praise. _

_ I love with a passion put to use  _

_ In my old griefs, and with my childhood's faith. _

_ I love thee with a love I seemed to lose  _

_ With my lost saints, I love thee with the breath,  _

_ Smiles, tears, of all my life! and, if God choose,  _

_ I shall but love thee better after death. _ _ ” _

Merlin isn’t much of a lover of poems, but by the time Arthur is finished, he has become quite choked, and his fingers are trembling. Arthur squeezes his hand, noticing, of course. Merlin squeezes back, relishing in the comfort of Arthur’s touch for a moment before he, too, turns back towards Leon, reaching for the wedding band his best man offers him. Then, he turns back to Merlin, repeating the same words Merlin had recited earlier back to him. 

"This ring I give to you as a token of my love and devotion,” he says softly, gently sliding the golden ring onto Merlin's ring finger. “I pledge to you all that I am and all that I will ever be as your husband. With this ring, I gladly marry you and join my life to yours."

Merlin barely hears the words, he is so overcome with emotion. All he can do is stare helplessly into Arthur's eyes and try not to burst into tears. 

“Merlin Emrys and Arthur Pendragon have both made the declarations required by the law of this country,” the government official announces. “They have chosen to exchange rings as a token of the marriage vows. It is now my pleasure to tell you that you are now lawfully wedded husbands. You may now kiss.”

Arthur doesn’t need to be told twice. He’s already on him the moment the words are out, pulling Merlin close and kissing the living daylights out of him. It’s all Merlin can do to hold on and thank the heavens that he’s allowed to have this. 

He can hear their friends’ and families’ cheers. Everyone has come to celebrate with them today, even Arthur’s father and sister, but right now, Merlin couldn’t care less about who is watching them. 

All that matters to him is the person kissing him, and who he will never, ever let go of. Even if he is reborn again.


End file.
